The Sex Trap, Balancing Hormones and the Head
As I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column caught my eye.
A
reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter
with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to get
love, and men use love to get
sex." This is a great summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap is similar to the Love Trap, where singles
interpret good sex as love. But those who fall into the Sex Trap go
even farther, because for these singles, having sex carries immense
meaning and consequences.
Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two
ways:
A. they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if
the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well)
B. more commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one
or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a
committed couple as soon as they have sex.
So, rather than looking at whether this other person might be a
match on levels other than physical attraction - such as long-term
requirements, needs, and wants - they are blind-sided by the
chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality
when all those hormones are running wild. Our body reacts to
someone we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or
phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and
norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and
testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity
to have sex with someone we are attracted to extremely hard to
resist. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the
hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close
to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical reactions are involuntary and strong, leading to
powerful feelings of attraction, excitement, love, closeness, and
well-being.
But when problems arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap often
rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got problems, but the sex is
great!" They most likely wouldn't admit it, but they prioritize
physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their main
scouting tools are sexual attraction and physical
compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works primarily with gay men, says
that many of his clients have fallen into the Sex Trap.
"For gay men especially in metropolitan areas, sex is readily
available, and that in itself is a trap," North says.
"In addition,
the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages
sexual activity. Many gay men want to find out from the beginning
if a potential partner is going to be sexually compatible.
Why waste your time if the sex
isn't going to be good?"
Nonetheless, North adds, "I suspect this is a 'guy' thing rather
than a 'gay' thing."
I do want to point out that chemistry is important.
Yet,
chemistry is a given that we can't control in a relationship; it is
either there or not there, and it must be there for the partnership
to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry happen, though
sometimes it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry
risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication
wears off and reality hits.
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and
hormones) with your head.
This means combining chemistry with
common sense. While good sex is important for a sustainable
relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying full
attention to your vision, values, goals and requirements - while
feeling all those exciting sparks!
About The Author:
David Steele, MA, is the founder of the Relationship Coaching
Institute and a pioneer in working with singles. He has helped
thousands of singles and couples get what they want from
relationships. His new book, Conscious
Dating; Finding the Love of Your
Life in Today's World, readers
precisely how to get what they want in their own life.
To learn
more, visit .consciousdating.com/
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