Anonymous Sex


Anonymous Sex
Date 3/3/2005 12:00 AM | Topic:
Opinion
My girlfriends and I can no longer focus on our homework.

It's
not that our classes are uninteresting. We're not too tired to stay
awake. Nope. The problem is that we're sex deprived.

Believe me,
this is serious.
Do you know how hard it is to concentrate on a Victorian novel
when all you can think about is having wild steamy sex with the guy
sitting across from you? Not to mention sitting and sweating in
Preus, trying to write that senior paper when you're worried you
might be wasting away your most sexually stimulating years while
sifting through critical essays.
Yeah, it's pretty impossible to be scholastic at times like
these.
Here's the situation.

We're all seniors, most of us single
(well, the ones complaining about no sex anyway). And we're all hot
- seriously. If this weren't an anonymous column, I'd show
pictures. We're intelligent and probably more fun than most of you
Scandinavian Lutherans can handle.


We have a few serious relationships behind us, a few passionate
flings and maybe even a couple of one night stands as well. We know
we're graduating in a few months so any attempts at a serious
relationship are fairly futile.
We don't want serious commitment or flowers or poems. We want
sex.

In fact, I might go so far as to say that we need sex.
We can find random men to go home with from the bar - that's not
the issue. Unfortunately, this isn't quite as satisfying as having
sex with one person on a regular basis, not to mention it's not the
safest or most respectable option (by society's expectations,
anyway).
Even putting emotions aside, one time is not enough to
adequately learn what turns the other on.

Sexual partners must
practice with each other in order to create a mind-blowing physical
experience. I mean, it makes sense; nobody writes a perfect paper
on the first try, right? Just the same, nobody screws their best on
the first try with somebody, especially if it's a drunken
encounter.
The problem is we can't find any suitable men around Decorah who
are willing to engage in this sort of relationship with us.
What we really want is fairly monogamous sex on a regular basis
(this can vary for everybody.

We prefer a few times per week, but
that requires expert time management skills).
We've tried to find this kind of relationship with an assortment
of men, but to no avail. He's either trying to be celibate for a
while, isn't in love or doesn't call because he's too busy playing
Halo with his friends. Maybe he has a kid or would rather sleep in
his van than spend a satisfying night with one of us.

Guys, what
the hell is wrong with you?!
So, we have no conclusion. We're all clueless and it's taking up
way too much of our time. In between our inevitable daily
conversations about boys and our time-sucking sex fantasies, we're
about to burst. We need some extra-satisfying sex, pronto.


Unfortunately, we don't see this happening in the near future if
the rest of the year is as unfulfilling as it has been so far. If
we're not going to get some sex, we definitely need some answers.
Men, tell us what's going on, it's the least you can do. Send your
explanations to the Chips office, please - and if you are
interested in having a sex buddy, we're accepting applications as
well.



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